Do you hold yourself back because of THIS?

ChangeHappiness

May 4

There is this really, really common defense mechanism I keep seeing over and over again with women I interact with. Someone purposely holding themselves back because they’re scared of what would happen if they really try. Let me repeat that. They’re purposely holding themselves back because they’re scared of what would happen if they tried.

Maybe back in middle school or high school, you thought, If I really tried, I would get good grades. If I really tried, I would have gotten into a good college. But you didn’t really try.

Maybe the same feelings have even come up at work. You thought, If I really tried, I would have gotten that promotion. If I really tried, I would have applied for that job. Maybe I would have gotten it. But you didn’t. You didn’t even try.

Now, what is this? What is going on? It’s a defense mechanism. This is a protective measure that our ego is putting in place in order to try to save us from rejection and failure and even success. But we'll get to that in a moment.

Maybe you've come to recognize that—if you really tried, if you really changed your relationship with alcohol—nothing would be holding you back. Maybe you have all these dreams. Maybe you wish you had a better career. Maybe you wish you made more money. Maybe you wish you had a better relationship with your partner. Maybe you wish you had your own business. Maybe you wish you traveled more.

You have all these desires that feel like pipe dreams. But you can’t help but wonder: If I really, really tried, maybe those things would be possible?

Fear keeps us stuck

The truth is we're scared. We're scared of our true potential. We're scared of what would happen if we really allowed ourselves to be unstoppable.

And it's almost as if alcohol comes into play as self-sabotage.

Why is it that, when things are going well, sometimes we purposely stop? It's almost as if we're so scared that the other shoe will drop, we purposely lower our moods. We purposely lower our expectations.

Choosing to go back to drinking or even choosing to use alcohol in the first place might actually be a defense mechanism. Because you're scared of what would happen. What would happen if you didn’t have that excuse anymore?

Here’s an example. I've always wanted to write a book. Now you can find Euphoric: Ditch Alcohol and Gain a Happier, More Confident You in bookstores. But, for a long time, I didn’t do anything about my dream. I've been wanting to write a book since I was six years old. My book came out when I was 34. That’s 28 years of wanting to write a book but not writing a book.

I used to write a lot when I was a kid and when I was an adolescent. Then I started drinking in college… and I stopped. I stopped writing. I didn’t stop wanting to write a book. My dream was still there.

I remember one Christmas, I was talking with my sister-in-law at a party. My sister-in-law and I are not necessarily that close. But, for some reason, I was just spilling my guts to her that night. Obviously, I did it because I was drinking. And I remember telling her—if I could just write one book in my life, if I just write one book—I will die happy. I said it with so much desperation, so much futility. As if it would never happen for me. As if it was impossible.

Back then, I didn't actually sit down at my computer and write. Sure, when you write, you want to have bursts of creativity. You want to have momentum and motivation, but really writing is just sitting down at a keyboard and doing it.

Are you reaching for alcohol instead of your dreams?

Nothing was stopping me from writing in my 20s. But it was so much easier to open a bottle of wine on a Saturday night than to write the next great American novel. It was so much easier to reach for alcohol than to actually challenge myself to go after the thing I really wanted.

Have you ever done that? Do you feel like that might be a clue as to why alcohol is in your life?

There is this theory that we are actually terrified of our greatness. We are terrified of our bright, shining light.

Maybe we were a little different when we were younger. I was really different. I am a foreigner, the daughter of Polish immigrants. I didn't learn English until I went to school. I went to Polish school as a kid. I grew up eating different lunches. I have a different name. People didn’t pronounce it correctly. These might seem like little details, but they made me grow up thinking I was radically different than everyone else.

In high school, I was a smart kid. I really loved learning. When it came to certain subjects, I knew all the answers. I remember sitting in class, knowing every single answer to what the teacher was asking, but did I raise my hand? No. Maybe once, but not for every question. Why? I didn't want to stand out. I didn't want the attention. I didn't want people to think, Oh my god, she's a know-it-all. So I purposely held myself back.

Alcohol is the perfect mechanism to hold ourselves back

Now I realize, alcohol is the perfect mechanism to hold ourselves back. At first, alcohol might make you louder. Or maybe you're more obnoxious. That's what I was like that at parties and social events. But you always regret it. The next day, I felt like that meme with Homer Simpson slowly backing away and hiding in the hedge.

I used drinking as a way to literally withdraw from the world. The next day, I couldn't be bothered. There was no way I was going to work out. There was no way I was going to sit down and write. That was a joke. I could barely phone it in at work. It gave me this really solid excuse for not really being the best version of myself.

We are terrified of failure

What are we so afraid of? We are terrified of failure and rejection. Terrified. Imagine if you remove alcohol from your life and you have this big dream of launching a business, now nothing's stopping you.

Now, you're going to have to see what you're really capable of. All this time, you've been telling yourself you would be successful if it wasn't for alcohol. So, when you remove alcohol, you actually have to prove it to yourself that you will be successful. And that's terrifying because you're scared you won't be.

You’re so scared of failure. You're so scared of rejection. You're so scared of what other people might think. Maybe you’re thinking, What if I go on social media and tell everyone I'm coaching health and wellness now? What if everyone thinks I'm a joke? What if people criticize me? What if people say I'm not qualified?

When this fear of rejection comes up, it threatens the very core of who we are because belonging is one of our most important human needs. If we didn't belong in our hunter-gatherer tribes back in the day, we would literally die. So this fear runs deep. It's a deep, deep fear, and it's threatening your psychological safety. That's why it can feel so intense. You're not making it up.

We fear that if we remove the one thing that's blocking us from greatness, we might find out we’re actually not that great. The thing is, when you start trying something new, you probably won't be great, and that's okay. That's the point.

Start, practice, and Get Better

When I first started, I wasn't a great public speaker, I wasn't a great writer, and I wasn't really great at business. When I first started, none of these things were inherent gifts I had from the very beginning. I practiced the hell out of them, and, over time, I got better and better and better and better and better and better. If you improve just 1%, every single day, in 100 days, you're 100% better. There should never be an expectation—that you're supposed to be amazing the very first time you try.

And it's not really a failure unless you give up. Let's say you launch a business and you open a product or course or coaching service, and nobody buys it. That doesn't feel good. But you pick yourself up and you try again, and you learn something different. You learn something new about marketing or selling, and you try again. And you try again. And you try again and you try again. Eventually, you start getting better and better at it.

There really is no failure, right? There is only giving up. Same thing with changing your relationship with alcohol. There is no failure. If you drink, decide to start again. Decide to always keep trying. Eventually, you will fight your way back to the road of success.

We’re Terrified of Success

Now, we're not just scared of failure. We're terrified of success. There's this really great quote by Marianne Williamson that goes, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.”

Why would we be scared of success? It comes back to belonging. If you're really successful, if you're changing your life and your friends and family aren’t, maybe they won't accept you anymore. That's what that brain tells you. Maybe they won't love you as much anymore. We are terrified of being separated from the herd.

We might not just be scared of not belonging, we might be scared of our success running out, too. You might think, What if I do it once, and I don't know how to do it again?

It comes down to what you believe you deserve in your life. I think most of us have this idea of how much goodness we deserve in life. And it's not unreasonable, right? You may think I'm not living under a bridge or in a shoebox. I have this much goodness in my life. Things are going all right. But THIS much goodness? I don't know if I deserve that. I don't know if I'm worthy of that. I don't know if I could sustain that.

Imagine if some of your biggest dreams started coming true this year. Imagine if you doubled or tripled or quadrupled the amount of money you make. Imagine if you finally went out after your business or your book or your yoga teacher training or your health and wellness coaching. Imagine going after something that you’re really passionate about. Imagine if you get to travel all over the world. Imagine if you started being friends with your heroes. Imagine if your relationship improves vastly. Imagine if you fall madly in love. Imagine your kids adore you. Everything is just going amazing. Sounds like a lot of pressure, doesn't it?

It sounds good, but there's this part of us that resists change. That’s terrified of failure and rejection and success. So what do we do? We drink. It takes a lot of work to overcome that. It’s deeply tied to your self-worth. If that is a pattern that keeps coming up in your life, I highly encourage you to get some coaching around it. Coaching can really, really change this pattern.

I used to fall into this pattern a lot. I might still do it to myself in small ways, but I stopped doing it in big ways. Now, I love to let my life get better. I love to believe that I'm worthy. And things get better and better and better. I love to play big, and I know, at the end of my life, I won't regret the things I didn’t do. We regret the risks we didn’t take the most.

If this has been helpful for you—if this is something you recognize in yourself—I highly recommend coaching. If you're interested in working with me, I’d love to help you overcome this phenomenon. You can apply here. Another great resource is the book The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks. In his book, Hendricks calls it the Upper Limit Problem.

Now put what you’ve learned into practice. Take a leap of faith. Take the next step. You will never regret it. I promise you.